It's easier when you have someone to choose for you.
Each choice is attached with a loss. You will also lose something when you gain something.
How the hell will you know which is the most valuable? Your loss or your gain?
It's complicated. The new world brings the idea that we can be whatever we want to be, we just need to follow our dream with perseverance and determination.
So now, choose a dream! What?
I have thousands, millions, fuck billions dreams. I want to be rich, simple, famous, I want to have a house up the montain, and to live at a beach, I want to be a bestseller's writer and also be a philosopher, I want to marry and have children, and I don't want to marry and travel alone around the world. This is the contradiction of all. We don't want merely one specific thing.
I wish I could read between the lines of my brain, and see what I am inclined for, or at least most inclined for.
In truth I think I can have an idea, but then there is a lack of courage. Besides courage there is necessity, society, your parents' wishes, your vanity, vanity of the others.
That's how it works.
I want to be closer to God. I want to believe in what people say to me about him. Because he would decide for me.
But my God is as confused as I am myself.
Among my thoughts I keep trying to figure something out. The problem is, insanity is too close to a mind in constant reflexion.
So I will stop around here, with so many questions about so many things, so many desires and regrets.
The most tolerable answer that I found (and that I find sometimes, in the garden...) is love.